Sunday, August 16, 2009

Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots.


In the hormone-addled summer of my sixteenth year, a movie was released tickled my funny bone as much as it did my naughty bits. It had music that spoke to me, and hot boys, and vampires, and hot vampire boys. That movie was The Lost Boys.

Recently, I was re-watching this old gem and thought it was ripe for a real-time review. In case you're unfamiliar with the concept, it kind of works like an MST3k-ing (and if you don't know what that is, I don't think I want you reading my blog. Get out.). And so, I re-watched it (again) and recorded my thoughts as it unfolded before me. (*disclaimer: I may or may not have been drinking wine as I was recording my thoughts, so if at any point I appear to be drunk, it's probably because I am. For the same reason, times are kind of approximate-ish. Also, I've never done this sort of thing before.) Also: Just in case you have somehow managed to miss this movie in the intervening 22 years, here is your SPOILER WARNING. Though, I mean, really, do you need it? If you do, I reiterate: Get out.

The film opens with a bird's- (bat's- ? Birds don't see very well at night, so probably it's a bat. Plus, vampire movie) eye view of a flight over water. I don't know what that means, but it's repeated several times throughout the film, so I'm sure it's very deeply symbolic. The bat swoops down to the boardwalk, checking out all these people who are all working some seriously fantastic 80s hair. He doesn't get stuck in it, amazingly, and flies on over to the carousel, where we see our vampire gang (mmmm, young Kiefer) for the first time. They get confronted by a poor, doomed security guard, who's only thinking of the children. Anyway, shortly thereafter, he bites it walking to his car in the parking lot. *That'll* teach him. Then, magic! it's daytime, with another over-water flight view. Which is kind of funny, really, because the central family is moving from Arizona to California. And they're driving.

4:05 - Lucy Emerson (Dianne Wiest) and sons Michael (Jason Patric) and Sam (Corey Haim) are driving down down the road, and pass a billboard for Santa Carla, their new home. On the back, someone has spray-painted: "Vampire capital of the world". That sure doesn't bode well, huh? Also, what is with all the damn vampires living in the state known as 'Sunny California'? Also also, Echo and the Bunnymen cover of "People Are Strange".

5:20 - Uh oh! Mexicans!

5:40 - Uh oh! Hippies!

6:10 - Ooh, Michael has a sweet hog. That'll come in handy later if, say, he wants to join a vampire gang and impress them with his mad motorcycling skillz.

7:45 - Sam: "You know what it means when there's no TV? No *M*TV." Aw, remember when MTV was relevant?


8:30 - "Ruuuuuules! We got some ruuules around here." Good old Grampa. Sam and Michael are awfully touchy feely for brothers here, by the way. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just observing, is all.

9:50 - "Hot" oiled-up sax guy, performing on the boardwalk. Michael, meanwhile, is trying (and failing) to eyefuck Star.

12:00 - As it turns out, Lucy Emerson is the patron saint of children who can't find their mommies (or *lost boys*... huh? Huh?) Max (Edward Hermann, whom I always seem to confuse with Fred Gwynne) has to stop flirting her up to yell at the vampire gang, with help from Thorn the dog.

13:40 - Ok, I have to just mention the ankle-length, striped & shoulder-padded jacket Sam is wearing. It is HOT. (Seriously, it's probably 100% polyester. He must be sweating his ass off. It's like a bathrobe.) The Coreys finally meet, and exchange comic book geekness. Sam gets a copy of "Vampires Everywhere". Then the Frog brothers have to chase off the hoodlums stealing comics.

16:10 - Michael eyefucks Star some more, until she hops on Kiefer's hog and takes off. Sam says, "She stiffed ya," while the subtitles say, "She sifted ya." Don't they have proofreaders for that? I'm pretty sure I could do that job. Call me, Warner Bros.!

16:30 - The hoods who stole the comic books are sitting in a car reading them, in the same parking lot where the security guard at the beginning bit it. These people are, like, 40 years old. Are they really stealing *comic books* from the boardwalk? To sit in the car and read them? Well, anyway, they stole, and that certainly can't go unpunished, so they get eaten. After the roof of their car gets ripped off like a sardine can.

18:50 - Sam is back at the comics store. He gets handed "Destroy All Vampires", and re-iterates his dislike of horror comics. The Frog brother that isn't a Corey says, "Our number's on the back. Pray you never need to call us." Sam says, "I'll pray ... I never need to call you." Aw, remember when the Coreys weren't drug-addicted douchebags?

20:30 - Uh oh! Star offers to "pierce" Michael's "ear". Kiefer doesn't like that! Kiefer challenges Michael to a motorcycle duel. Also, mmmm hot dark-haired vampire dude.

26:05 - There really is a poster of a semi-clad Rob Lowe on Sam's closet door. Huh. I wonder if he put it there, or if Grampa did?

26:45 - And we come to the big moment: "Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?" Oh, vampires and their glamours.

28:19 - Ok, so here's where Kiefer looks exactly - no, EXACTLY - like a guy I dated right around the time this movie came out. The blond hair, the blue eyes, the shape of his nose and mouth, the jaw/cheek/jowl combo... I'm not even kidding. It kind of weirds me out a little. Not in a bad way, dudes were hot; it's just an odd reminiscence. Anyway, now they're drinking the wine, and it's all hot, and Kiefer is eyefucking Michael, who's slo-mo licking his lips, and the rest of them are all running around the cave in their tight pants chanting "Michael! Michael!" except for Kiefer who's kind of whispering it all sexy. *phew* That scene is hot, man. Hot.

31:35 - And here's where Michael tries to impress his new man-crush Kiefer by joining in the dangerous reindeer games with the gang. "You're one of us, Michael."

36:58 - Uh-oh! Headlights! Terrifying!

38:00 - And Sam is taking a bubble bath. How old is this kid supposed to be? I mean, I'm assuming he's at least 15, right? What self-respecting 15 year old kid takes bubble baths and sings "I ain't got a man" in falsetto?

39:10 - Thank goodness Nanook the dog was there, or Michael would've eaten his own brother! And, oh no! Mike's reflection is getting pretty transparent there... "My own brother's a god-damn, shit sucking vampire!"

42:30 - I hate it when I wake up on the ceiling.

45:50 - *gasp* that's Laddie on the back of that milk carton! ...aaand Sam is now getting into bed with his mom.

48:30 - Meanwhile, back at the batcave: "What's happening to me, Star?" "Oh, Michael! I can't tell you! So I'll make out with you instead!" "Well, it's the 80s, so I can't actually make out with Kiefer, so I guess I'll make out with you instead. Close enough!" (Some of that may have been subtext. I'm very good at picking up on that.) Also, I'd just like to note that this scene is way less hot than the one when Michael first drinks the blood/wine and Kiefer is being all sexy. Why *is* that?

Ooh, another over-water flight scene! Symbolism!

53:00 - Mom and Sam go to Max's place with an apologetic bottle of wine. Chased away by Thorn the vampire dog familiar! Since Sam's been reading the comic book The Hounds of Hell, he knows all about this. He and the Frog brothers chat and determine that Max must be the head vampire.

54:45 - Michael's getting ready to go out with Kiefer again. I love it when characters in films put out candles with their fingers like it's an awesome power of some kind. I mean, I can do that, for crying out loud. It takes away a little of the "cool factor".

55:30 - Oh, no... Michael's invited Max in! This may or may not be foreshadowing. Grampa watches from the shadows. He's keeping an eye on things. Oh, and the shoulder pads on Lucy and Max right now? Joan Collins on Dynasty levels of huge. Aaaand.. they share the most awkward hello kiss ever.

57:20 - Nice. The old garlic/parmesan bait & switch maneuver. Practically foolproof. Way to go, *Coreys*. It doesn't work, and Max has a reflection, so he must not be the head vampire after all. It must be David!

1:00:30 - OK, so Kiefer and the gang take Michael out to some weird woodsy area where a bunch of mowhawked punks are having a bonfire and listening to ...Aerosmith? Really? I mean, I was there (the 80s), and I'm fairly certain that punks weren't listening to top-40 pop.

1:01:25 - *gasp* again! The gang's brought out their vampire faces. Michael has to eat an Aerosmith-listening punk if he wants to survive. Really, he doesn't seem to understand he's doing the world a favor...

More over-water flying! It really has to mean something! ...Right?

1:02:55 - Another classic: "Now you know what we are, and now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, and you'll never die, but you must feed." *group evil laugh*

1:05:35 - Star comes to see Michael and tell him all about how sorry she is, etc. etc. Also, you're not really a full-on vampire until you eat somebody, so Mike's like Star and Laddie - only 1/2 vamp. He was supposed to be her first meal! Michael feels all betrayed 'cause of how Star knew what was going on and wouldn't tell him.

1:07:35 - Sam's called the Frog Brothers, and they all stole Grampa's car to go to the batcave. Sam and Michael have a sweet and adorable brotherly bonding moment wherein Sam tells Mike, "I'll protect you!" If only we, the audience, didn't know that Sam's kind of a weenie.

1:10:10 - Sam & the Frogs find the vamps hanging from the ceiling of the batcave, and they stake Bill S. Preston, Esquire! Now Kiefer is furious and comes after them! Action scene! Kiefer grabs Sam's ankle as they are escaping! The Frogs pull him further out of the cave into the sunlight, and Kiefer's hand bursts instantly into flames! I guess Michael and Star and Laddie, whom he's taken from the cave and thrown in the car, don't burst into flame 'cause they're only 1/2-vamps. You'd think they'd at least smolder a little, though.

1:13:20 - Grampa's mad about them not replacing the gas in the car. Not that they stole it and drove it like ass, or the fact that they're carrying some 1/2 vampires into the house, just that they didn't fill the tank. Oh, Grampas and their misplaced priorities!

1:16:45 - Ack! Vampire feet!

1:18:10 - Feldman, to Haim and Other Frog: "I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it's never a pretty sight." Does he think they don't remember that from when they staked that vampire, like, ten minutes ago? Also, wouldn't his vampire hunting brother already know that?

1:19:30 - Way to go, Sam and Mike. Leave the poor dog outside, then trip and fall as you're running to get back in the house as the vampires descend. Nice work. Bright couple of fellas, there.

1:20:38 - And it's a good thing they did rescue the dog, however idiotic they were about it, because it turns out Nanook's better at killing vampires than the rest of them. Especially the Frog brothers, who scream like a pair of little girls when "the one that looks like Twisted Sister" comes after them. Only the dog has the fortitude and intelligence to push him into the bathtub full of holy water that's right behind him. Big question about this scene: How does this cause all of the plumbing in the *entire house* to start spewing blood like some kind of bodily fluid geyser? I mean, the kitchen sink just keeps going and going!

1:21:58 - Oh no! Hot Vampire has Sam & Mike's out cold! *phew* but Sam has his water pistol full of holy water! He gets Hot Vampire in the face, then grabs his bow and arrow! But, oh no! "You missed, sucker!" "Only once!" Bam! Hot Vampire is staked with the arrow and pinned to the home stereo right behind him, so he gets electrocuted to boot! Sparks flying everywhere! (What's that, you say? If he was staked with a wooden arrow, which would be what's needed to kill him, then he wouldn't be getting electrocuted because wood doesn't conduct electricity? Pshaw!)

1:23:44 - Sam finds the Frogs and they exchange high fives and terrorist fist jabs with their tales of victory ("We're awesome monster bashers!" "The meanest!"), but wait! Turns out Laddie isn't 1/2 vampire, he's full on after all! (What's that, you say? Then the part where Michael carried him to the car and he didn't burst into flames doesn't make any sense? Pshaw!) And now the Frog Brothers are terrified of a small child.

1:24:50 - Midair vamp fight! Kiefer and Michael face off in the living room. "Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you! I just want to make sweet, sweet love to you in the Batcave D'Amour!" (Again, that last part *may* have been subtext.)

1:26:00 - Oh! And Kiefer's impaled on some antlers, which kills his vampire ass, so I guess maybe that arrow could've been metal after all. I guess as long as something pointy goes through them, they're dead. But wait, what's this? David's dead, but Mike's still a vamp? So who's the head vampire, then?

1:27:58 - Mom & Max come rushing in, all "What's going on!?" Max spots David's impaledness, and... Oooooohhhh. So it was Max after all. "Don't ever *invite* a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless." Turns out he really wanted to turn Mom & the boys so they could have their very own "bloodsucking Brady Bunch" (TM Edgar Frog). "But I still want you, Lucy!" At this point, Max does this Gene Simmons tongue thing, which is disturbing on a number of levels.

1:30:50 - But wait! What's that noise? It's Grampa to the rescue! Driving his truck into his own house and impaling Max with ...the logs that are, for some reason, stacked on the hood of it. And Michael and Star and Laddie are back to normal, and everyone gets to live happily ever after! Well, except for all those people that died.

1:32:40 - Best closing scene ever: Grampa: "One thing about livin' in Santa Carla I never could stomach... all the damn vampires." What-what?! Grampa knew all along! And the fridge light goes out on the totally shocked faces of Mom, Michael and Sam.And then the closing strains of the Echo & the Bunnymen cover of "People Are Strange", once again. Full circle, people. Full. Circle.

Well, there you go. My first attempt at a real-time review, which is, I guess, technically speaking, my first attempt at any kind of review not for a class. I hope you have as good a time reading it as I did writing it; I hope it brought back some fun memories for you, or if you haven't seen it, I hope you hie yourself down to the local vidya store and pick it up post haste. Everyone needs to see this movie at least once, preferably in a group of drunken friends. Also, I hope you have the fortitude to watch the sequel at least once, because it is so, so bad, and since I've subjected myself to it, I feel the need to torture others.

Signing off, and reminding you: Don't drink wine out of strangely adorned bottles in a cave full of Twisted-Sister-lookin' punks. Beav out.


ETA: There were spaces between all these lines when I began this, and the 4 times I went back in, remade the spaces, and saved it again. For some reason, Blogger seems to be refusing to allow formatting today. Because Blogger is occasionally a stupidface.

E2TA: Hooray! It finally let me save the spaces!

(Cross-posted on Vox)

6 comments:

Mr. Controversy said...

1:40:40 - Jack Bauer rises from the ashes, his transformation complete. The world welcomes his birth...with gunfire.

Heh heh, huzzah for your RTR on Lost Boys. (And yeah, the Rob Lowe poster is quite...curious.)

Spender said...

Not sure which I liked more... the movie or the RTR. Gonna go with the RTR!
Good work, AvB and a much needed bag of larfs to start my day.

MelBivDevoe said...

I think you should do a RTR of the sequel! I know I'd like to read it.

I just rewatched this for the first time in years a few weeks ago, and I was cracking up at the amazing 80's fashions that I'd completely forgotten. And that "hot" oily sax guy... wtf?? Hahaha

Eyvi Sprite said...

Dammit, AvB! I have to watch this movie now just to see the Jason & Kiefer cave scene as an adult. I'm not really complaining you know, but when my husband asks why I'm sitting in front of the bigscreen drooling over 80's hotties, I will blame you.

Lainey said...

I LOVED this! It was better than the movie. Well, except there was no sweet soundtrack, but otherwise, totally better than the movie. Well, and no cute boys, but otherwise, WAY better than the movie!

28:19 - This was my favorite part of the movie. It *was* hot, with the lip licking... Too bad Michael (Jason Patric? I'm too lazy to look it up on IMDB) didn't become a bigger star. He was so very pretty!

And you bring up a damn good point that NEVER even occurred to me - why does the plumbing in the whole house get totally jacked up? That's just stupid. Stupid plumbing logic!

thefunctionalweirdo said...

I'm not sure how I missed reading this the first time, but I'm making up for it now.
You rock, that is all.

And the oily sax guy used to play for Tina Turner.